Green Man 2013

5 days of heavy drinking, eating churros, dodging wasps, grooving whilst sitting down and annoying our vanny neighbours, and I'm back. Did you miss me?

Tomorrow I come back to reality with a bump, as I head into the office to wade through the thousands of complaints which have no doubt flooded in due to my absence, but for today I get to sit on my backside luxuriating in the bliss of still not being at work and looking fondly back over our festival shenanigans.

The musical highlight of the festival was undoubtedly Steve Mason (former front-man of The Beta Band) who lit up the Far Out Stage on Saturday night. Some very twatted male members of the audience helped make this even more memorable by attempting to perfect the Dirty Dancing lift throughout.

Food highlight was the awesome Pie Minister (NikNak's still waxing rhapsodic about his pie with mash, gravy, mushy peas and roasted shallots).

The drink highlight was a tie - Chai Wallah did an excellent mango, berry, banana and rum smoothie, but the Rum Shack did a great Redleg Libre, and had a pet wasp called Wesley.

The annoyance highlight of the festival was the overly dramatic girl stood by my shoulder as the Green Man burned on Sunday night, going "Oh wow!! Oh wow!! Oh wow!! I can see his hands!!"

Best festival game was undoubtedly Weekend Wee Wars (how quickly can YOU fill a Travel John?!) but Penis Bridge Wars came a close second (and was decisively won by Rerab).

As for the conversational highlights, there were many. My personal favourite was that being held by NikNak and Rerab as I snoozed next to them - a very long and involved discussion of The Smell Matrix, which would apparently be starring John Ch-Churro.

Other memorable moments included:

Zombie scientist to NikNak: "Thank you for not wasting my time putting faeces into a sentence."

"He looked exactly like almost like my trainer." - TheShitWizard on the Zombie scientist.

"Yay! It's Nick Berry!" - Rerab as Matt Berry arrived onstage.

"I want to die alone, like people in Middlesborough" - man onstage, apparently having some sort of existential crisis.

"I'm gonna brush my teeth with Mojitos" - TheShitWizard on festival hygiene.

"I could do without the bottom half of my legs" - NikNak

Rerab to NikNak: "Go to sleep, tiny pole dancer."

"I've got a monocle of light" - Rerab

"First I lived in Edinburgh, then I moved to Dundee. When I was 14, I moved to Glasgow. How about that, people?" - Edwyn Collins shows off his sparkling repartee.

"Was that a dying yak? Maybe I was the dying yak. Nah....Edwyn Collins is the yak" - NikNak.

Rerab: "When S&J went to Glastonbury recently they had............"
NikNak: "...words?"

TheShitWizard to Rerab: "I can't believe me and you ate half a Keef each last night."

"I'm gonna do a cartoon smell follow." - NikNak

"It would be great if they had chairs at restaurants." - Rerab

NikNak: "Why don't your feet mind as much as your head?"
Rerab: "What, hats?"

"Shoe hats? Shwatts?" - Rerab

NikNak: "He just looked at you like you were mental."
TheShitWizard: "I don't care. Where's he from, the gym?"

"Shush my little face" - NikNak

NikNak: "Where's Rerab?"
TheShitWizard: "Over there. She's the one the paramedics are staring at."

"I can't even handle a Capri-Sun" - Rerab